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7 Things to Do if You’re Bored, Tired, and Horny AF

by Weblog Journal
7 Things to Do if You’re Bored, Tired

Sorry, I’m not spending my time baking focaccia.

Hello, people hangin’ at home indefinitely. Welcome to the club of: “What the f*ck do I do with my time today?” Here, we pretend we enjoy YouTube tutorials for at-home workouts and count how many times our fur babies stretch on any given day. (Mine is up to nine).

I’m also personally using my time of social distancing to get reacquainted with dating apps. By that, I mean mindlessly swiping left and right…only then to decide I don’t actually have the mental capacity to make conversation with anyone I match with. It’s like I want to be able to do the bare minimum, while still channeling my single energy.

1. Try audio porn.

Love listening to porn but hate watching it? Allow me to introduce you to apps dedicated to the aural fixations of sex. This is adult content that you listen to instead of watch, and trust: There are plenty of different options out there. Try Dipsea or Quinn to get started for some XXX action delivered straight to your ears.

2. Learn how to sext.

Everyone is using this time during quarantine to learn how to do something, like baking focaccia, cross stitching, pickling vegetables, whatever. So really, there’s no better time to brush up your sexting skills than right now when our phones are basically the only thing we have.

Text Slutbot, a free, robot-powered texting service generated by Juicebox, a paid app that created personalized sex and relationship coaching and advice, to learn the ins and outs of dirty texting. A random Tinder match will do, too, btw.

3. Use Netflix and other streaming platforms to your advantage.

Look, if sex scenes are what you want, simply log back into your Netflix. We literally have a whole article dedicated to all the basically porn shows and movies you can watch on your ex boyfriend’s sister’s Netflix account. My personal faves are Outlander and The Witcher—mainly because Henry Cavill is the sexiest man I’ve ever seen, especially when he’s having sex.

4. Make DIY sex toys.

Okay, again, everyone’s using this time to channel their inner creative, so maybs you can do this with sex toys? I’m not telling you to use a cucumber for sexy time (Do! Not! Do! It!) but maybe you can use your chip clips as DIY nipple clamps? Why not mix up your masturbating routine?

5. Masturbate in the a.m.

Speaking of mixing up your masturbating routine…maybe you should start your day off by rubbin’ one out right away. I mean, there are clear benefits: more energy, less stress, and a better attitude. Plus, it might make you less sad that you’re literally stuck inside all day.

6. Scroll through pictures of your secret daddy crush.

We all have them. Some less embarrassing than others (looking at all of ya’ll stanning Robert De Niro). But luckily, right now is a purely judgment-free zone. Literally no one is aware of what you’re doing (besides, like, your cat), how you’re spending your time, and who you’re orgasming to the thought of.

My point is this: Be less embarrassed about who you’re masturbating to and more into creating role-play situations in your head. We’ve got to keep our right brain working here, friends.

7. Cook up an aphrodisiac.

If you’re someone stuck in quarantine with an S.O., first off, I hope to see you still together by the time this is all over. Second, maybe you should try to cook a meal with them to distract yourself from their terrible conference call voice. Sure, you might not have a lot of options in your pantry that cater to your sexual desire (I’d be seriously confused as to why anyone had oysters right now), but here are some foods you can try.

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